Sad I

Staying happy can be a struggle for me sometimes, just as I'm sure it is for many other people out there. Oftentimes, I get the impression that many people view me as being unemotional and detached because I don't normally share my sadness or anger in obvious, outward ways. It's easier for me to portray happiness because it seems to be the most natural emotion for me to express and the most contagious. I like making others happy, I really do. However, just as happiness is a contagious emotion, so is sadness and anger. And I always figure, why should I burden someone else with my sadness when it has nothing to do with them? I'm kind of a hypocrite that way because I often get frustrated with others when they hold in their sadness and refuse to let me share that burden in an attempt to ease their pain. I don't know, it's difficult sometimes. My sadness typically comes in stages. I can usually tell when it's starting to escalate, and I can keep it at bay by surrounding myself with people who make me laugh and help me put things into perspective. Although, as they say, the people you love the most can hurt you the worst. It's a pretty morose saying, but it can be surprising sometimes how much it's true. I think it hurts the worst because you don't expect those you love to do you any harm. And yes, it's usually never purposeful, but after the second or third time they hurt you, it's hard to know what to believe. 

I try not to be so sensitive about such things or take them to heart. My mom has a habit of taking things too personally sometimes, and I'm really self-conscious about it myself, but I guess some things just run in the genes. I know sensitivity and emotions shouldn't be considered a weakness, but there's just something inside of my head that associates them as such. I'm by no means a psychologist, but I think it's an insecurity of mine to be left open and vulnerable. I hate crying in front of people because then everybody crowds around me, asking me what's wrong, what they can do to make me feel better, etc. And while I wholeheartedly appreciate it, I hate it. If I cry, I do it on my own. I don't want anyone to see me like that because I think crying is stupid. Not crying in general, but MY crying is stupid. Even when I witnessed my grandpa having a heart attack and being put on a stretcher and rolled into an ambulance, I distinctly remember hating crying about it. Rationally, I know it was normal for me to cry, but there was just something in the back of my head telling me that no matter how many tears I shed, they could never bring him back.

Wow, this is getting awfully dark. I haven't recounted that story in a long time, and it just made me feel ten times worse than I did when I started writing this blog. Oh boy, I'm not very good at self-soothing, am I? Haha. ANYWAY. I have more papers to work on because it's final week. I just had to stop and write this because I was trying really hard to stay happy in spite of some frustrating things happening, but I'm not so sure if this was as much of a help as it was a hindrance. Errr... once this semester is over, I promise I'll come back here to try and lighten things up a little! I've been meaning to do some particular writing exercises in order to dispel some bad habits, and I fully intend to try them out here.

Sayonara for now minna-san,
Sarah